This holiday season, I’ve been trying out a new diet that I call the cookie-based diet. It involves eating cookies all the time. Here I try to answer some questions and concerns people may have about this diet.
Q: Is it unhealthy?
A: When people hear about the cookie-based diet, they immediately assume that it’s unhealthy. After all, cookies are full of sugar and lack vitamins and nutrients. As it turns out, these concerns are well-founded. The cookie-based diet is extremely unhealthy. Risks include everything from diabetes and cavaties to an early death. But this concern also completely misses the point of the cookie-based diet, which is to throw health concerns to the wind and eat more cookies.
Q: When will I know when to stop the cookie-based diet?
Q: Should children try the cookie-based diet?
A: No one at all should try the cookie-based diet, but this isn’t about shoulds and shouldn’ts. This is about cookies.
Q: Should the cookie-based diet be government funded?
A: Yes. Everyone has a fundamental God-given right to cookies, therefore the government should help provide cookies to those who cannot bake cookies themselves or buy them at the store. Please write to your congressmen and elected officials, telling them how important cookies are to you. Bribe them with cookies, of course.
Q: Should I eat cookies that fall on the floor?
A: Eat all cookies.
Q: What should I do if someone else wants to eat my cookies?
A: Eat more cookies.
Q: I am concerned about cookie riots and cookie wars.
A: You are afraid of these things because you have not eaten enough cookies. Cookies will give you peace of mind.
Q: At what point does the cookie-based diet become cookie idolatry? Isn’t it immoral?
A: The All Great and Powerful Cookie doesn’t think so.
Q: Don’t they call cookies “bisquits” or something in the UK?
A: A cookie by any other name, blah blah blah.
Q: Are your answers becoming more and more insane?
Q: Are you OK?
Q: What happens if–
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