Fake news

Boycott The Hobbit films!

The second Hobbit film will be coming out soon, but you can count me out! Why? Well, it’s come to my attention that Mr. Tolkien, author of the book on which the film is based, is an evil bigot! Why? Well, just read what he wrote about sex!

This is a fallen world. The dislocation of sex-instinct is one of the chief symptoms of the Fall. The world has been ‘going to the bad’ all down the ages. The various social forms shift, and each new mode has its special dangers: but the ‘hard spirit of concupiscence’ has walked down every street, and sat leering in every house, since Adam fell. We will leave aside the ‘immoral’ results. These you desire not to be dragged into.

Clearly any person who still holds this ancient and unpopular view is a hateful bigot who just doesn’t want certain people to be happy by doing whatever they sexually please. So intolerant! These people must be punished with boycotting. We all know that it has recently been discovered that the only way to happiness for the human race is if we all embrace and celebrate sexual indulgence in all its beautiful forms. If you see The Hobbit film, you’re giving money to the estate of Tolkien, which might go to some people who believe what he believed! How awful is that?!

What you can do instead:

* Start a pledge and sign it and keep your hard earned dollars away from Tolkien’s estate and people who believe in certain sexual morals.

* Tell all your friends what Tolkien really believed. The ultimate plan is that people who believe in these sexual morals will run out of money and starve or will switch their opinion to celebrate our sexual choices.

* On whatever day the movie comes out, instead of going to the theater, attend a Skip Hobbit event with your wise and tolerant friends. We’ll be hosting events all over the place, because nothing says “tolerance!” like pre-organized events dedicated to keeping money away from one specific person who is famous and thinks we’re doing something that’s not good for us, like acting on our sexual desires, whatever they may be.

* Donate money or volunteer your time to organizations that support the celebration of sexual indulgence!

* If you have any control in the media, report this boycott! Pretend you’re being unbiased, of course, and are just reporting the news.

By doing this, we’ll send an ominous message to all those who do not bow to our sexual indulgences that they will be publically singled out, shamed, and financially punished for being honest about their evil beliefs.

We’re going to nobly and heroically change the world by singling out one oppressive bigot at a time! If sexual indulgence itself was enough to make us happy, we wouldn’t need everyone’s approval. But of course everyone’s approval is actually a big factor to our happiness, so we really need to fight for it! Equality!

———-

In the interest of letting all sides of this controversial issue express their views, here’s a letter from a reader:

Dear New Blather,

I agree that Tolkien is an evil bigot, but I sure don’t think a boycott is the way to go! Think of all the other people who worked on the movie! I mean, art and artists are two separate things. But, I must be clear, I agree with you about all the sexual indulgence stuff. I mean, Tolkien is just so bigoted in that area. I can’t argue with that. I want everyone to like me, so I really want to be clear about that. But, yeah, a boycott is going a little too far. I really want to see the movie, after all. So I think my opinion is a bit more mainstream than yours. But, again, I do agree that Tolkien sure is evil what with his religious views and all. I mean, we should be able to have some sexual indulgence without other people saying it’s wrong. To say it’s wrong is just evil. And to have what we think is wrong reflected in law is evil because separation of church and state and stuff and imposing religion is wrong. But a boycott? No.

———-

Finally, the movie studio has released a statement:

We here at the Hobbit movie studio just want to make it clear that Tolkien is dead and we really don’t care about his beliefs. We just want your money, so whatever your beliefs are, we think they’re OK. If you feel like you’re part of some sort of community, we just want you to know that we support you. We only made the movie based on Tolkien’s work because his book was popular, not because we agree with any of his old stupid sexual beliefs. Sex for everyone, that’s what we say!

By S P Hannifin, ago

Rewriting the literary classics!

If movies have remakes, why don’t books have rewrites? I guess I will start the trend. I will first rewrite both Lord of the Rings and Peter Pan in one book. Frodo is a flying hobbit with a magical ring that prevents him from getting old, and he goes on an adventure with the lost fellowship boys. This is gonna be awesome… stay tuned.

Update: I got a cease and diseased order by a certain dead fantasy author’s estate, so I guess I will never try to rewrite anything again.

By S P Hannifin, ago

The blackout that saved the Internet

Of course everybody has heard about Wikipedia’s controversial blackout in protest of SOPA. And while some may be quick to credit the online encyclopedia as our shining beacon of online freedom, let’s not too soon forget another little blackout that made a not-so-little impact…

That’s right, we’re talking about the blog of Joe Schmoe. And although the blog only had four regular readers, which included his Mom, his friend, and himself on another computer, when he decided to take his blog offline to protest the possibility of someone else taking it offline, the entire Internet was shaken.

We talked to Joe on Skype. “At first it seemed nobody noticed,” he said. “I spent several hours watching my Google Analytics in realtime, but nothing was happening. That’s when a realized I had to spread word of my decision.”

And spread the word he did. Joe tweeted his personal blackout, and posted broken links to Facebook and a Wikipedia article he wrote on himself which will probably be deleted soon due to lack of verifiable citations.

The news spread like wildfire. A congressman from Florida said: “I had never heard of Joe Schmoe. But when friends of mine began tweeting his broken link, I suddenly really cared about what he had to say. And of course I couldn’t find out what he had to say because he had taken his blog offline. I felt so ashamed. I’m now starting to really question everything I believe in. Clearly we can’t have this. These blogs are important for the nation, I think, maybe.”

“This is a real victory for us bloggers,” said another blogger who took his blog offline to protest SOPA. “It just goes to show that while the pen may be mightier than the sword, taking all the ink out of your pen is the mightiest of all.”

And Joe Schmoe isn’t through yet. He’s now planning to burn books to protest of book censorship.

“Censorship can’t exist if there’s nothing to censor,” Joe said. “We can show the men in Washington that if they keep trying to do things like SOPA, we’re all just going to not blog or look things up on Wikipedia or really do anything… oh, wait a second, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.”

In loving memory of Joe Schmoe (1983-2012)

By S P Hannifin, ago

I get to interview Sam Neill!

After watching the new show Alcatraz on Fox earlier this week, I was a bit disappointed. It wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. But then I thought… what does Sam Neill think? So I decided to call him up and ask him through my shady underground Hollywood connections (which as of now can only help me contact three people: Sam Neill, Andy Griffith, and Sean Connery, all of whom are supposedly part of a secret club that meet annually to play cards, exchange stories of the old days, compare accents, and watch cartoons).

So here’s my interview! Thanks to Sammy old pal!

Me: So. I didn’t think Alcatraz was all that great. But what did you think?

Sam: Oh, I don’t watch the things I’m in. But I assume it was very good. Maybe you missed something.

Me: Not possible. But let’s move on to the next question. What is it like working with all those other actors and actresses?

Sam: It’s great. They are nice people. In fact, one day one of them told a joke and we all laughed. It was really funny.

Me: What was the joke?

Sam: You wouldn’t get it. It’s an actor joke.

Me: Please?

Sam: No.

Me: OK. Let’s move on. Your character in Alcatraz seems like a good guy with a dark side. Do you think that deep down he’s evil? Or nice?

Sam: I think deep down he has a lot of issues. I wouldn’t call those issues good or bad. It’s all about what side you’re viewing them from, kind of like how a leaf is a lighter shade of green underneath it, or how some west-African frogs can change their sex from female to male in an all female environment.

Me: So what you’re saying is: life finds a way.

Sam: What? No.

Me: Oh. Now, how did you come to play this character in Alcatraz?

Sam: Well, it was actually Abrams himself who asked me. He came by helicopter and just waltzed into my trailer one day and opened a bottle of wine without even asking! I told him I was saving it, and he said: “For today!” And then, after promising to fund me for a further three years, I took the job.

Me: That seems very unorthodox.

Sam: You’d be surprised.

Me: When you ran into your trailer, did you knock any pants off your clothes line?

Sam: Yes, I actually did.

Me: Interesting indeed. Let’s move on. How many seasons do you think Alcatraz will last?

Sam: Well, Abrams, as a producer, is always thinking about the big picture. Maybe not all the answers and a sense of closure; that’s up to the hack writers, I mean, the writers. Abrams is a questions guy, because that’s the easy, I mean, that’s the Abrams part. So he already has about 796 questions that will come up in the first season alone. That will generate so much interest and excitement that I think this show will go on for at least 25 years just to answer those questions, or at least explore possible answers while introducing new questions.

Me: But — wait. Is the show inserting questions before the writers even know the answers?

Sam: Oh, I don’t know. As an actor, I just have to evolve.

Me: Interesting. So how does your character in Alcatraz compare to characters you’ve played in the past?

Sam: In some ways, he’s very similar. In other ways, he’s very different.

Me: Can you be more specific?

Sam: Well, just think about it.

Me: OK, now I see what you’re saying. Let’s go on. How does it feel to be working on TV instead of the movies? Do you feel less important?

Sam: No. I’m still the main character.

Me: I don’t think you are.

Sam: Well, what’s to be scared about? Just a little hiccup in the writing.

Me: I didn’t say I was scared.

Sam: I didn’t say you were scared.

Me: I know. Anyway, speaking of being scared, those criminals aren’t really that scary, are they? They’re more like a six-foot turkeys.

Sam: Turkeys, huh? Imagine you’re in Alcatraz and you spot a prisoner, and you keep still because you think his vision is based on movement.

Me: Why would I think that?!

Sam: And that’s when the attack comes! Not from the front, but from the sides! Whewsh! From the other two prisoners you didn’t even know were there. And you are alive with they start to eat, I mean, kill you. So, you know, try to show a little respect!

Me: OK! I’m sorry! Geez! One more question: if a certain trilogy is continued with a certain fourth film, would you be interested in reprising your role?

Sam: Ah, yes, of course! I have been dying to reprise that role! I dream about it all the time! It will be the best movie ever! Unfortunately I don’t think there’s enough interest, so I don’t think The Omen 4 will ever happen.

Me: Argh! Oh well. Thanks for your time!

Sam: After careful consideration, I’ve decided not to endorse this interview.

Me: So have I! *Do DO, do DO, do do DOOO do DOOO do DOOO*

Thanks for reading this interview.

By S P Hannifin, ago

House spoiler: Kutner may return…

WARNING: HOUSE SPOILERS BELOW!!

READ NO FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT SECRETS REVEALED

Kal Penn regrets his decision leaving House, and now wants his character, who committed suicide a few episodes ago, to return to the series.

“It wouldn’t be difficult,” Penn stated.  “House is a brilliant doctor.  He could easily find a way to bring Kutner back to life.  Or if Kutner just came back to life spontaneously, it would give House and the other characters a really fun case to solve.”

Penn also expressed interest in having Kutner be the patient for every episode of the next season.  “It would be a great story arc,” he said.  “Having the same patient for every episode for an entire season would be really innovative, and I am prepared to take on the challenge.”

But series producer David Shore is not comfortable with Penn’s request.  “We’ve outraged fans enough,” Shore said.  “The best thing we can do for now is to keep the dead characters dead.”  Shore also said he isn’t ready to turn House into a fantasy series just yet.  “Maybe by season nine or ten we will start to see some magic,” Shore said, “but for now we are going to see how many more truthful hardcore scientifically-accurate episodes we can produce.”

Other actors on the set also expressed disinterest in having Penn return.  “I’ve gotten so used to him being gone,” Hugh Laurie said.  “It would be weird having him back again.  I wouldn’t know what to say.”

But that doesn’t mean all doors are closed for Penn.  A dead character named Amber will soon make a few appearances as Dr. House’s hallucinations.

“If Kal would like to play a hallucination or a dream memory, we could probably work him in,” Shore said.

But Penn doesn’t like the idea of being “just a character in another character’s head.”  He said, “if I can’t come back to life, then I’d at least like to play a ghost.  That way, I could help House solve some cases, and I would never be able to kill myself again.”

Penn also suggested he could come on as Kutner’s long lost identical twin brother doctor.  “Or Fox could just give me a spin-off series about when Kutner was younger and was going to med school,” Penn said.  “I imagine him as a very House-like character, so Fox would probably really like it.  It would be just like House but with different characters, and it would be called Kutner.”

Recently, David Shore has stated he never wants to see or talk to Kal Penn again.

“I will sneak on set and play corpses in the morgue if I have to,” Penn said.  “I just have to get back on Fox somehow.  I didn’t realize how much I really loved being on Fox.”

By S P Hannifin, ago