After watching the new show Alcatraz on Fox earlier this week, I was a bit disappointed. It wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. But then I thought… what does Sam Neill think? So I decided to call him up and ask him through my shady underground Hollywood connections (which as of now can only help me contact three people: Sam Neill, Andy Griffith, and Sean Connery, all of whom are supposedly part of a secret club that meet annually to play cards, exchange stories of the old days, compare accents, and watch cartoons).

So here’s my interview! Thanks to Sammy old pal!

Me: So. I didn’t think Alcatraz was all that great. But what did you think?

Sam: Oh, I don’t watch the things I’m in. But I assume it was very good. Maybe you missed something.

Me: Not possible. But let’s move on to the next question. What is it like working with all those other actors and actresses?

Sam: It’s great. They are nice people. In fact, one day one of them told a joke and we all laughed. It was really funny.

Me: What was the joke?

Sam: You wouldn’t get it. It’s an actor joke.

Me: Please?

Sam: No.

Me: OK. Let’s move on. Your character in Alcatraz seems like a good guy with a dark side. Do you think that deep down he’s evil? Or nice?

Sam: I think deep down he has a lot of issues. I wouldn’t call those issues good or bad. It’s all about what side you’re viewing them from, kind of like how a leaf is a lighter shade of green underneath it, or how some west-African frogs can change their sex from female to male in an all female environment.

Me: So what you’re saying is: life finds a way.

Sam: What? No.

Me: Oh. Now, how did you come to play this character in Alcatraz?

Sam: Well, it was actually Abrams himself who asked me. He came by helicopter and just waltzed into my trailer one day and opened a bottle of wine without even asking! I told him I was saving it, and he said: “For today!” And then, after promising to fund me for a further three years, I took the job.

Me: That seems very unorthodox.

Sam: You’d be surprised.

Me: When you ran into your trailer, did you knock any pants off your clothes line?

Sam: Yes, I actually did.

Me: Interesting indeed. Let’s move on. How many seasons do you think Alcatraz will last?

Sam: Well, Abrams, as a producer, is always thinking about the big picture. Maybe not all the answers and a sense of closure; that’s up to the hack writers, I mean, the writers. Abrams is a questions guy, because that’s the easy, I mean, that’s the Abrams part. So he already has about 796 questions that will come up in the first season alone. That will generate so much interest and excitement that I think this show will go on for at least 25 years just to answer those questions, or at least explore possible answers while introducing new questions.

Me: But — wait. Is the show inserting questions before the writers even know the answers?

Sam: Oh, I don’t know. As an actor, I just have to evolve.

Me: Interesting. So how does your character in Alcatraz compare to characters you’ve played in the past?

Sam: In some ways, he’s very similar. In other ways, he’s very different.

Me: Can you be more specific?

Sam: Well, just think about it.

Me: OK, now I see what you’re saying. Let’s go on. How does it feel to be working on TV instead of the movies? Do you feel less important?

Sam: No. I’m still the main character.

Me: I don’t think you are.

Sam: Well, what’s to be scared about? Just a little hiccup in the writing.

Me: I didn’t say I was scared.

Sam: I didn’t say you were scared.

Me: I know. Anyway, speaking of being scared, those criminals aren’t really that scary, are they? They’re more like a six-foot turkeys.

Sam: Turkeys, huh? Imagine you’re in Alcatraz and you spot a prisoner, and you keep still because you think his vision is based on movement.

Me: Why would I think that?!

Sam: And that’s when the attack comes! Not from the front, but from the sides! Whewsh! From the other two prisoners you didn’t even know were there. And you are alive with they start to eat, I mean, kill you. So, you know, try to show a little respect!

Me: OK! I’m sorry! Geez! One more question: if a certain trilogy is continued with a certain fourth film, would you be interested in reprising your role?

Sam: Ah, yes, of course! I have been dying to reprise that role! I dream about it all the time! It will be the best movie ever! Unfortunately I don’t think there’s enough interest, so I don’t think The Omen 4 will ever happen.

Me: Argh! Oh well. Thanks for your time!

Sam: After careful consideration, I’ve decided not to endorse this interview.

Me: So have I! *Do DO, do DO, do do DOOO do DOOO do DOOO*

Thanks for reading this interview.

1 Comment

Schumann · February 8, 2012 at 8:52 AM

Is this a real interview? No? good. Coz you sound like a real [censored].

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